The Quick and the Drunk

Got another anonymous thirsty customer--

i got a question for ya wench...
getting a girl to show you her boobs takes a lot of work. Unless you happen to have a plastic bead necklace. whats up with that? what is so magical about these beads that do what $75 worth of romance MIGHT do?
settle my tab?
um...do you take beads?

Now, now, is it really all that difficult to get a woman to show her boobs? I mean, they're right there on her chest, usually hard to miss. If you're referring to exposing her breasts, sure, I guess that takes a little more than "[grunt grunt] need. boobie."

I like this little trick I do at the bar. It's called talking, and girls usually respond pretty well to that.

But in case you're not as eloquent as I suspect, buying lots of booze usually helps grease the wheels and distracts her from the fact that you can barely put subjects and verbs together. And if you're in that bad of shape, well, there's always rohypnol.

I take cash and credit only. I have no desire to see your boobs and mama's got bills to pay.

Drink up!

America's Next Top Bar Maid

Quite the sitch from "long haul" today:

Wench,

i find myself in a hard position, if you know what i mean... on the one end, i can fuck for hours, you know, keep it up and at attention doing what needs to be done. SO what the problem you ask, well, these days it takes me forever to cum with a partner, assuming i actually do cum (ejaculate). Now i don't mind this so much, as i can orgasm with out the jizz, but it is quite disapointing for my partner to not see my cum, know what i mean?so, got an elixer behind the bar to make a feller shoot some shots of his own? oh, my drink order? Irish cream on the rocks please.

-long haul

Is it really all that disappointing to your partner? Just saying, I don't think I've ever lost sleep over it myself. I would suggest maybe less Irish cream on the rocks, you know whiskey dick can be fatal in some parts of the world. But then I'd be out of a job, so drink up, laddie!

I'm sure your partner is fine with your prowess, but maybe focus less on the end result. Also try stroking your ego less and your penis more. That works too. But chances are it's become an issue for you and then you're thinking about it too much and then it just makes it worse. Unless your partner is actually upset with it, just try to relax and not even think about finishing. And then, chances are, you will.

Here's your money shot.

The Bar Maid Always Rings Twice

A bit of a spoiler alert today, since our question comes from "orgasmless?" Her parents must hate her, giving her a name like that.

hey there wench,

i'm feeling very sad that i even have to ask this question, but it's just gnawing away at my insides and i figure this is a safe place to pose it. it's just that... well, oh my this is more difficult than i thought it would be. ok, i just have to come out with it:

how do i know if i've had an orgasm? i'm afraid i haven't. i've been with hundreds of men, maybe even thousands, but i just don't know if "it" has happened. i've never seen stars. hell, i've never even seen circles. and those are far less exciting. is there something wrong with me? would i know it if "it" has happened? am i dysfunctional (and i mean solely sexually)?

please, i beg of you, wench. be gentle. lord knows most of those who've shared my bed have not been. maybe that's why something seems off "down there"?in any case, help!
sincerely,
orgasmless?

Well, darling, I can say that if you don't know if you've had an orgasm, chances are you probably have not. And if that be the case, this drink is on me.

I think you need to focus a bit more on quality and not quantity, love. Lots of sex is great, believe me, but GOOD sex is amazing in any amount. Do you keep your horizontal love partners around long enough to figure out what gets you there? Do you even like these guys? I can say you will never see stars unless you have a partner that's like heaven.

In the mantime (yes, I meant to say meantime, but I'm keeping it), why not test drive yourself a little bit? Take the buzz off the drink I just got you and go home and seduce yourself. Guys are often clueless when it comes to the female anatomy, and it becomes your job to show them. Not to mention, every girl likes something a little different. You can't expect them to read your mind and your body when you haven't even figured it out yourself. Once you know what gets you off, don't be shy about getting it from one of your gentlemen callers.

Whew, I need to get laid. Can I borrow one of yours? Can I sit down and have a drink with you? My feet hurt. But take care of yourself, my dear, and the rest will take care of itself.

I will Cut a Wench

Here comes a riveting tale by someone claiming to be "Someone Touch It Please"

Hey there wench,

On my quest for true love or meaningless-but-still-satisfying sex, I met a girl through a friend. She's good looking and has child-bearing hips, but is a touch too quiet/sober for the likes of me. Still, I told our mutual friend I'm into her to stir the pot. A week later we're all hanging out again when lo and behold, a New Hotness shows up. She's way more bangable and chatty. Crucial turning point: there's a party coming up this weekend, and they'll both be there. Will I look like a dick and risk losing my chance with either if I just go after New Hotness? In related news, my bar nuts are empty, and I'm a man who loves him some bar nuts.

-Someone Touch It Please

Well, Touch It (I imagine that's what your family calls you), to be fair to your situation, since you don't have actual ties to either girl, you shouldn't feel too badly about who you decide to pursue.

Also, are you sure we're talking about girls here, Beer Nut Captain? Just saying, the wench don't judge on that matter.

But in all seriousness, if that is a word, which if it is not I'll refer you to the fact that Mr. Shakespeare made up words where he saw fit, you need to relax a little more. If it is weighing on your conscience enough, just bring a distractionary friend for Prissy McNotHot and hunt away for your true desire. At the end of the day, as long as no promises are made, you shouldn't feel too bad pursuing what your heart desires, whatever nefarious or noble goal that may be.

Go to the party. Talk to both girls. Chances are, if one is a better fit for you, she's going to see it as well. Unless you're Brad Pitt (oh God, tell me you're Brad Pitt and ditch these two bitches and fertilize my womb), chances are that if you aren't feeling PrissyMcNotHot in the chemistry department, she might be feeling the same and not mind that you have moved on to more compatible partners. If she is still feeling you at this party while you're pursuing the other girl, well, I must say, everyone loves a good bar fight between ladies.

Just try not to get a pencil in the eye in the meantime. Or a bit of shot glass. Chest bump!

Booze in the Time of Cholera

From out of the shadows comes anonymous, with his question.

dear inga,

i recently went on a date with a lovely gal. she was sweet, and funny , even if she was a bit of a loud talker. we had a good time, ate, wandered, ended up at my place and after a while of holding back, i finally kissed her sweet lips. we smooched for a bit, and then she sorta freaked out. apparently i was the first guy she had gone out with or kissed since a big break up. so now, we still chat and such, but much less flirty on her part.i can't tell whats up with her. does she like me? did i blow it? is she a weirdo? where are my jameson shots?

Well, anonymous, I bet your order got lost because you didn't give me a name! I thought you said Alcoholics Anonymous, so I didn't want to get you whiskey.

Sounds like she's a little gun shy, since you ask. I think there should be less of a focus on whether you blew it, but take into account she seems to be having a hard time. Maybe she's unsure about you, or dating in general, or both. Unfortunately, I can't read her mind. Though I hear Slyvia Browne is looking for work now that the Montel show is over.

If she's still talking with you, chances are she's interested on some level. What level remains to be seen. Maybe if you ask her out again, let her make the first move with the smooching, then you know she's comfortable. Or not. She could just be a total psycho.

Let me grab you those shots for you, precious.

It's Wenchaliscious

Our next quandry comes from the splendiferous Heather, who writes:

Dear Bar Wench,
One of my best friends just found out her husband of less then a year has hoes in different area codes. She wants to forgive him but I say she dump him, what's your advice?

Oh and how much should I tip on three beers?

Ouch. This is a rough one. I need a drink first.

The trouble is, no matter what she should do, she's probably going to do whatever the hell she wants anyway. In matters like these, people ask for advice and then ignore it. If she were the one asking me for advice, I'd tell her to put a pickle under the liner of the trash can, that way it will slowly rot and he won't know why or where the smell is coming from. And then dump him.

I agree with you, I think you're right on about the dumping, if a guy in the "honeymoon" phase of his marriage still can't keep it in his pants, then clearly this will be an issue she will deal with for the rest of her life. So instead of approaching her with "dump him!" why not just point that out to her. Also ask her if she can really forgive him, or is she going to torture herself for the rest of her life wondering if he's out there doing it again (and he probably will)? Would she want to have children with him, and have one of them find out their dad is a cheat? Does she really want to sign up for the rest of her life with someone who betrayed her before the caterer has been paid?

So don't try to force your opinion on her. Try to show her the reality of what taking him back would really mean for her in the longterm. Then hopefully when she does whatever the hell she wants anyway, it will be the right thing. And if she doesn't leave him, be prepared to be there for her, she's going to need it.

Also, tell him to stop by the pub, I'd like to piss in his beer. But don't tell him that.

If you got the three beers all at once, I say 5 bucks for rush delivery. Paced throughout the evening, a dollar per drink is pretty standard.

Time to gird up my loins and get back in there. Kisses to you, my peach.

The Bar Maid Always Rings Twice

Today we have a situation from the incomparable "Hot" Carl Wissman:

Inga,I want to know if the guy I'm dating wants to be exclusive with me, but I want HIM to bring it up. For some reason I feel like it's his turn. How can I trick him into bringing it up?Oh, and I'll have a pitcher of Brooklyn Winter Ale, please. Just one glass. Thanks, toots.

Why do you feel it's his turn? Did you make the initial declarations of love or something? And I only have Bronx Winter Ale. Mmmm, tastes like riots...

It shouldn't have to be about tricking anyone, my love. If you want to be exclusive, what is your hesitation of bringing it up? Though I will say if you absolutely must go this way, might I suggest a romantic date at a sushi place that serves sake bombs? I know it's those that made me admit to the officer that yes, I have had a few tonight. I still maintain I can't say the alphabet backwards sober on that one. And I'll have to refer you to my lawyer if you need any more details on that.

My instinct is to just bite the bullet yourself. Talk to him, that's what it's supposed to be about, right? Not some tally on who was vulnerable when or who wins points for doing what. Except sexual favors, those feel free to tally, it's the only way to maintain a balanced relationship.

Drink up, my darling. Love is not as complicated as we all would like it to be. Getting these puppies [points to bosom] into this outfit every morning, however, really is.