Here comes a riveting tale by someone claiming to be "Someone Touch It Please"
Hey there wench,
On my quest for true love or meaningless-but-still-satisfying sex, I met a girl through a friend. She's good looking and has child-bearing hips, but is a touch too quiet/sober for the likes of me. Still, I told our mutual friend I'm into her to stir the pot. A week later we're all hanging out again when lo and behold, a New Hotness shows up. She's way more bangable and chatty. Crucial turning point: there's a party coming up this weekend, and they'll both be there. Will I look like a dick and risk losing my chance with either if I just go after New Hotness? In related news, my bar nuts are empty, and I'm a man who loves him some bar nuts.
-Someone Touch It Please
Well, Touch It (I imagine that's what your family calls you), to be fair to your situation, since you don't have actual ties to either girl, you shouldn't feel too badly about who you decide to pursue.
Also, are you sure we're talking about girls here, Beer Nut Captain? Just saying, the wench don't judge on that matter.
But in all seriousness, if that is a word, which if it is not I'll refer you to the fact that Mr. Shakespeare made up words where he saw fit, you need to relax a little more. If it is weighing on your conscience enough, just bring a distractionary friend for Prissy McNotHot and hunt away for your true desire. At the end of the day, as long as no promises are made, you shouldn't feel too bad pursuing what your heart desires, whatever nefarious or noble goal that may be.
Go to the party. Talk to both girls. Chances are, if one is a better fit for you, she's going to see it as well. Unless you're Brad Pitt (oh God, tell me you're Brad Pitt and ditch these two bitches and fertilize my womb), chances are that if you aren't feeling PrissyMcNotHot in the chemistry department, she might be feeling the same and not mind that you have moved on to more compatible partners. If she is still feeling you at this party while you're pursuing the other girl, well, I must say, everyone loves a good bar fight between ladies.
Just try not to get a pencil in the eye in the meantime. Or a bit of shot glass. Chest bump!
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1 comment:
hey there wench,
i'm feeling very sad that i even have to ask this question, but it's just gnawing away at my insides and i figure this is a safe place to pose it.
it's just that... well, oh my this is more difficult than i thought it would be. ok, i just have to come out with it:
how do i know if i've had an orgasm? i'm afraid i haven't. i've been with hundreds of men, maybe even thousands, but i just don't know if "it" has happened. i've never seen stars. hell, i've never even seen circles. and those are far less exciting.
is there something wrong with me? would i know it if "it" has happened? am i dysfunctional (and i mean solely sexually)?
please, i beg of you, wench. be gentle. lord knows most of those who've shared my bed have not been. maybe that's why something seems off "down there"?
in any case, help!
sincerely,
orgasmless?
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