It's Wenchaliscious

Our next quandry comes from the splendiferous Heather, who writes:

Dear Bar Wench,
One of my best friends just found out her husband of less then a year has hoes in different area codes. She wants to forgive him but I say she dump him, what's your advice?

Oh and how much should I tip on three beers?

Ouch. This is a rough one. I need a drink first.

The trouble is, no matter what she should do, she's probably going to do whatever the hell she wants anyway. In matters like these, people ask for advice and then ignore it. If she were the one asking me for advice, I'd tell her to put a pickle under the liner of the trash can, that way it will slowly rot and he won't know why or where the smell is coming from. And then dump him.

I agree with you, I think you're right on about the dumping, if a guy in the "honeymoon" phase of his marriage still can't keep it in his pants, then clearly this will be an issue she will deal with for the rest of her life. So instead of approaching her with "dump him!" why not just point that out to her. Also ask her if she can really forgive him, or is she going to torture herself for the rest of her life wondering if he's out there doing it again (and he probably will)? Would she want to have children with him, and have one of them find out their dad is a cheat? Does she really want to sign up for the rest of her life with someone who betrayed her before the caterer has been paid?

So don't try to force your opinion on her. Try to show her the reality of what taking him back would really mean for her in the longterm. Then hopefully when she does whatever the hell she wants anyway, it will be the right thing. And if she doesn't leave him, be prepared to be there for her, she's going to need it.

Also, tell him to stop by the pub, I'd like to piss in his beer. But don't tell him that.

If you got the three beers all at once, I say 5 bucks for rush delivery. Paced throughout the evening, a dollar per drink is pretty standard.

Time to gird up my loins and get back in there. Kisses to you, my peach.

The Bar Maid Always Rings Twice

Today we have a situation from the incomparable "Hot" Carl Wissman:

Inga,I want to know if the guy I'm dating wants to be exclusive with me, but I want HIM to bring it up. For some reason I feel like it's his turn. How can I trick him into bringing it up?Oh, and I'll have a pitcher of Brooklyn Winter Ale, please. Just one glass. Thanks, toots.

Why do you feel it's his turn? Did you make the initial declarations of love or something? And I only have Bronx Winter Ale. Mmmm, tastes like riots...

It shouldn't have to be about tricking anyone, my love. If you want to be exclusive, what is your hesitation of bringing it up? Though I will say if you absolutely must go this way, might I suggest a romantic date at a sushi place that serves sake bombs? I know it's those that made me admit to the officer that yes, I have had a few tonight. I still maintain I can't say the alphabet backwards sober on that one. And I'll have to refer you to my lawyer if you need any more details on that.

My instinct is to just bite the bullet yourself. Talk to him, that's what it's supposed to be about, right? Not some tally on who was vulnerable when or who wins points for doing what. Except sexual favors, those feel free to tally, it's the only way to maintain a balanced relationship.

Drink up, my darling. Love is not as complicated as we all would like it to be. Getting these puppies [points to bosom] into this outfit every morning, however, really is.

Advice from the back room

Today's question comes to us from the lovely Julie:

Oh, bar wench. Will I ever know what I want to do with my life?

Oh, my darling. I get this question all the time. That, and "can I start a tab?"

I'm sorry to say that the answer is NO. You will never know what you want to do with your life. Because if you have a modicum of creativity or imagination, there will always be options in the back of your mind. Just as I have gone from vodka to beer to wine and now whiskey, you can't even really be sure what DRINK comes next, much less a life path.

Go with the flow. Are you happy? Are you ok with now? Do you need change back?

If the answers are yes yes and keep the change, then you and I, my dear, are in business.

The Wench on Demand is Here for you

Sit down, have some ale and tell me what's the matter.